With this knowledge, I love you more for being the person you are now.
I am still processing, bear with me. Such a controlled reaction to the event; emotionlessness. But this permeates your person in other ways.
You seem so mature, so aware and so deep.
I trust you to be who you are.
You have the will of fight but most of all, when I consider the events, it brings me to a place that I think is ultimately enriching – for you, for me and for everyone you know – by the very nature of things as they are.
You make me consider the crux of human suffering. In essence, I have always felt that the past is a subjective reality from which we can learn – what spirits bring us to hell, what lurks in hell, and what brings us back again.
I felt the need to write this as I didn’t want to approach this thoughtlessly, and least of all selfishly. Yet, when it comes to these things, where our minds and hearts and souls are pulled up and out into the stratosphere and deep into the dark, I have to align it with a direction that somehow befalls a path of triumph. This includes a devastatingly huge array of emotions and inner conflicts, ranging from loss to surrender to mastery.
All is suffering. But all is also benevolent and vulnerable. And if all of life is this chaos, I have never felt such admiration for anyone.
My mother told me earlier this year, briefly, in the middle of some twisted conversation, of something terrible that occurred in Ipoh when we she was a young girl. It took me by surprise but then again, not really when I think about how she treated me, on top of other circumstances. It’s almost as if she’s been stuck in this underground stage for years, for all her life. She goes from delusionally happy to angry in a matter of seconds. I think she has a lot of unresolved emotional issues about this. It’s hard to be certain though.
But the risks I see you take are quite staggering to me. And when I see what your passions do for you, and the expressions you bring to the world, it gives me faith in my own higher ideals.
Cuz what is really quite terrifying is the cost of not following the sense of freedom we get from healing ourselves in pursuit of a greater good. These things we cannot explain; these things we feel we should accomplish, beyond any shadow of doubt. All these facets that are warping us; bitterness, resentment, anger and hatred, all these worries and these unresolved issues that torment us, taking us to the worst places we can go inside…
I’m speaking for myself now, when I observed my own evils, and saw these demons in front of me and felt my body contorted in pain, it’s like I remembered the future. And I knew I didn’t want to go there again. I would if I carried on this way.
The fear is motivating. The fear of becoming some sort of vampire, letting the abyss consume me. It is a waste to indulge in a past, suffering in a past beyond our control of now.
In some ways, you set me free like this, not simply through the love you show me but in your character and your being.
If we are all made to endure suffering, at least we should all learn to endure by sculpting out a life that is filled with passion, doing what is glorious and noble, powerful, daring and difficult, sublime and helpful to others. And this is what I see when I look at you. And maybe these thoughts aren’t particularly original or profound but it is a reminder, every time I see you. And I hope it is something I don’t forget. Because, these values, they signify movement and a state of being where our insufficiencies are overcome. And at the very least, it’s a pathway out of suffering, and a place where I am no longer clinging to a part of me that is dead.